Why Do We Still Cling To A Relationship That Does Not Work?
Nobody wants to feel abandon and feel less of a person. When a couple has been together for a while and routine and habits sets and if one party decides to moving in this adds a whole set of dynamics to the relationship.
Habit formation and stereotypes shapes our behavior and we become predictable, complacent and comfortable. So whenever the status quo is threatened a feeling of anxiety overcomes us that make us uncomfortable. As such, when a relationship ends, they tend to change many things in our life, living habits are broken, from the most radical, usually change their place of residence to any other habit, like sleeping in another bed, not sharing a breakfast or watch TV together.
It is logical that this situation will destabilize us for a while and even lead us to depression. But what if we remain wedded to the relationship without accepting a seemingly definitive break?
When our partner is proposing an end to the relationship, we are assailed by the fear of loneliness, to have no one to protect us, to lose what “belongs to us”. Let take a look at the subject of Psychology. When a child in brought forth into this world there basic needs that the child must get. They are safety or security, affection, belonging and friendship. These needs should be met by parents, other adults close to the child and, ultimately, by other children. The child is helpless and therefore you need one cares, protects you while you give affection, accept it and grant him a special place within the family.
During the first two years of life, the child is fused with their environment, as if he were one with his surroundings, including objects that have access and feel that you belong. The child cannot give up their toys, separated from his mother, go to new places, because this creates great anxiety. In a world that is strange and yet which fails to be recognized as different, an idea begins to settle this through what is closest to him.
Between four and six years old, the child forms its own identity out of things, people and situations in your environment: “This is mine”, “So am I,” “My family is well,” etc. This is giving the child a social status, whereas there psychologically, in relationship with others. To the extent that their position is consolidated and self-esteem is becoming stronger, the child begins to develop between six to twelve, abilities to solve life’s problems rationally and effectively, enabling greater adaptation and independence.
This need to recognize themselves through the other, places the individual at an early stage of self-esteem. We are a couple we identify with the other person, as a compensatory mechanism or ego defense. It is what is known in psychology as a projection. We project onto the other our positive and negative qualities, our desires and needs and even our guilt and shame. Of course, the projection occurs when we failed to mature emotionally, when we endeavor to remain hidden behind a “mask” that prevents access to our true selves. When we want another take for us what we are and are not willing to accept. When the other responsible for our behavior.
On the other hand, the fear of loss arises. We identify with what we have, which we own, like a child before age three. Its concrete thinking prevents generalization. The child shed costs around him because it finds its own identity. It is a natural egocentricity early childhood, but archaic to adulthood. Also this phenomenon he called Freud, fixation.
Thus, in affect if one partner does not accept the break up and cling to a relationship that does not work is to remain emotionally childish. Psychology has identified this behavior as Peter Pan syndrome or who never grows. Not wanting to release implies a need to protect their insecurity, fear of not being loved or accepted.
Pending evolve to higher needs continue to do depend on others to satisfy the basic psychological needs, namely protection, belonging and self-esteem, according to the pyramid of needs proposed by the humanistic psychologist A. Maslow.
When it is known that a relationship does not work?
Some time ago, I read a self help book entitled “If broken, do not fix” of spouses Behrendt, advisers to the American series Sex in New York (2). The book has a very suggestive title, then it calls to abandon hopes of returning after a break of couple. People a number of justifications, excuses are invented to avoid taking personal change projects, to not accept that when someone decides to break a relationship, has had enough time to think, as some have stopped working, or never worked. The illusion that something can be different, make a plan of conquest, very frustrating, placing him in a situation is quite unworthy and humiliating draw. Asediamos the person, he cried, we begged to return, with the secret hope that the decision be reconsidered other.
A relationship does not work when one of the two, or both, you lose the motivation to continue together. Recall that a relationship involves communication between two people. Both must respond to the need for exchange. If one of the two is not motivated to this exchange, the relationship becomes meaningless, no longer have a future. If either of them no longer wants to be together, you better continue the journey separately. Osho says: “Love is like a breeze. Suddenly it comes. If it’s there, it’s there. Suddenly it’s gone. And when it’s gone, it’s gone. Love is a mystery, you cannot manipulate it.”